Law of Conference Calls

Mohitoz’ Law #237

The vacuum cleaner outside your room will make a mumble-jumble in a conference call even more difficult to decipher.

Law of Reverse Attraction

Mohitoz’ Law #213

Divorce can lead to marriage.

Second Law of Copenhagen

Mohitoz’ Law #183

The Climate Summit can be summed up in one word: No-hope-in-hagen.

(It’s also my 20th entry in Urban Dictionary.)

Law of David Headley

Mohitoz’ Law #180

Always judge a spook by his cover.

Third Law of Tiger Woods

Mohitoz’ Law #171

Robert Frost was righter than he thought.

First Law of Warren Buffet

Mohitoz’ Law #167

Reading Playboy might help men add a few inches. Reading annual reports, however, will add millions.

Second Law of Tiger Woods

Mohitoz’ Law #166

When you’re whipped by the media, you finally realise that ‘golf’ is ‘flog’ spelled backwards.

Law of Volkswagen

Mohitoz’ Law #164

The Beetle may be your dream car, but its price will be a nightmare.

At over 2X the price of its US version, the Beetle will burn a hole in one's wallet even if it doesn't do so on Indian roads 😦

Law of Salahis

Mohitoz’ Law #162

Gatecrashing a Presidential dinner is a Capitol idea.

Michael and Tareq Salahi at the Obama-Manmohan Singh dinner (Photo courtesy AP & thenextweb.com)

First Law of Tiger Woods

Mohitoz’ Law #161

Just because you’re the world’s no. 1 golfer, it doesn’t mean you can’t be beaten by your wife.

Law of Super Heroes

Mohitoz’ Law #60

Super heroes will always wear their underpants over their pants.

Superpants?

Law of Optimism

Mohitoz’ Law #37

Someday soon, the US will create a new category of visa applications called H1N1.

Star Trekked

Growing up in Calcutta in the ’70s, climbing up to the rickety roof of our ancient home was a regular feature. The fragile aluminum antenna connected to the Televista TV set was prone to swinging in the wind much like a weather-cock and needed tying down periodically. Over time, with help from my surprisingly-sure-footed mother, I’d perfected the art of pointing the antenna in a direction that would enable it to catch not just Doordarhan’s signal but the stronger Dacca TV station. In those days, we spelt the two cities this way and not with the harsher K’s as they do today.

Even though the TV set was a black & white one, American serials like Dallas, Dynasty and Star Trek kept my brother and I enthralled: it was also our only other glimpse to the ‘promised’ land – apart from the Westerns and war films we saw at Globe or New Empire or Lighthouse (none of which exist as movie halls today). Dallas and Dynasty precluded Ekta Kapoor’s soaps (I have to endure at least one episode of her prolific productions someday) but it was Star Trek that came closest to giving me a high. Much like walking out of The Guns of Navarone, ready to take on the world, Star Trek would open up the teenage mind with the possibilities of “going where no man has gone before” and conquering both space and time. I fantasised in vivid detail about inventing ankle-strapped rockets that would allow me to fly and steely-eyed stares that would help enter the minds of evil villains and defeat them without lifting a finger. That’s the great thing about willingly suspending disbelief for a couple of hours and sitting in a dark hall to escape life. My fragile body didn’t mean I didn’t have an active imagination in which I would single-handedly defeat every crook as I flew through the air wearing my underpants over my tights (that, after all, is the signature of all superheroes).

So, this evening, I decided to relive those moments and made my way to a movie hall here in Gurgaon to watch JJ Abram’s version of Star Trek in solitary splendour. Like an excited kid, eager to catch every ad and trailer, I sat through the preview of the forthcoming Harry Potter fantasy and settled down as the Paramount mountain and stars formed on screen… I was back in Calcutta in the ’70s again! Geo-chronological barriers had been crossed.

Only, this time, I was disappointed. If they make Star Trek and it doesn’t leave you exhilarated in the clichéd victory of Good over Evil, it ain’t Star Trek. It doesn’t even come close to Star Wars. Sure, it has more grandeur and special effects but it left me cold. Perhaps Morgan Freeman as Admiral Pike would’ve helped? Or Bruce Willis as Kirk? Leonard Nimoy’s fine as Spock, though except for one teeny-weeny problem: he doesn’t say “Beam me up Scottie”. Nor does anyone else.

Let down, I was. Unlike how I’ve felt watching any of the Star Wars sequels or Die Hard or Armaggedon…

One hundred and twenty-seven minutes later, munching a Galaxy chocolate (appropriate huh?) I trekked back home over the crumbling pavements of unlit Gurgaon streets, wondering whether I’d be mugged by drunken louts emerging from the many ‘Government-approved drinking places’ this city has. There were no stars to be seen because a dust-storm came without warning, making me wish I could enter a time warp and transport myself away.

As Spock Sr says in the film, I’d like to have the best of both worlds. Only mine wouldn’t be those of logic and emotion. But of fiction and science.

For now though, I’ll settle for some red wine followed by yellow daal.

Cheers!

OUTRAIG

Okay, so AIG’s been a bit obtuse and sent Obama and Co. into another tizzy.

More important, it’s led to an OUTRAIG: Public anger directed at corporations like AIG which blow up taxpayers’ funds for self-gain… go thumb it on Urban Dictionary.

(By the way, Lehman Sisters had made it to the Word of the Day on March 20; but it does look like it’s disliked more than it’s loved! Which is also okay I guess – at least it evoked a response.)

Cheers!

Mumble-Jumble

When one half of your team operates out of the US and starts work around the time you’re supposed to be logging out, the better part of your evenings is usually spent on trans-continental conference calls. Doing serious business, negotiating royalty payments, running through presentations on an hour-long phone call takes some getting used to, but once you’ve figured it out, it can be fun as well.

Sometimes, the team at one end of the call goes into a huddle discussing something that just can’t be deciphered by the other party. This happened earlier this week, prompting me to create ‘mumble-jumble‘: Intense mumbling that some people do in a conference-call when they start discussing something at one end, oblivious of the fact that it can’t be heard – or understood – by participants at the other end.

And, like always, I submitted it to Urban Dictionary… where it now rests, waiting to be voted. Go, thumb it!

Terrorism will continue to threaten India: expert

It requires a Pakistani newspaper quoting an American expert to tell us what we already know…